iLost My Father
by comintrix
Summary: Mr. Shay is killed and both Shay siblings are devastated. Healing is a long and complicated process, but friends and a loving hand can make it feel less awful. Sam's POV.
1. Chapter 1: An unpleasant visit

**_I'll try not to make this too angsty. There are some sexual themes and tragic death, be forewarned. It goes without saying that I don't own the characters. Please review, its very helpful!_**

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"Carly?" I saw her hand on my door, but she wasn't coming in. She doesn't usually come to my house and I'm usually not at my house so it was weird. She wasn't talking which is weirder. I sat up and put my T.V. Remote on the side tab.

"Carls, you can come in. Come watch Boogy Bear in Space." I pat the mattress. She stepped in without opening the door very much and silently shut it behind her. I heard the lock click behind her back.

"Carls?" I could hear her breathe heavily. I was beginning to figure out where this was going. It happened from time to time.

She rushed over to me and pushed me back onto my bed as she pinned my arms and climbed on top of me. She started to devour my mouth in a fury of kisses. I could hardly breathe between her attack on my face. I wiggled around under her until I was able to get her to stop for a minute.

"Elliot broke up with you?" She started to make out with me again and spoke between kisses.

"I broke up with him." I mumbled a muffled 'Oh' in response. This happened every so often. For a while now, when she was feeling bad, usually about a boy, she'd come over or lock us in her bedroom and then, well, this. Usually at the end of the excitement, I would hold onto her and we would both fall asleep and in the morning, everything would go back to normal.

This was strange though, she usually wasn't as aggressive as she was being. Her hands were flying under my clothes and I don't think that she breathed at all between the gasps that she took every few minutes. Somehow, she got my shirt off and still had my arms pinned.

And then I felt it. She laid her head on my shoulder while she was biting at my neck and I felt something wet between our skin. I bucked my hips and pushed my arms up until she lost her balance. I sat up and faced her, still sitting in my lap.

"You're crying." Her face was glistening all over with tears. Her chest was heaving harder and harder even though it should have been getting easier for her to breathe. I pulled her to me and rested her chin on my shoulder. I held onto her tight and tried to think of something not stupid to say.

"Elliot was a nub. He's not worth it, Carls." She started to sob into my neck and I cringed. I don't know if I'd ever seen her that upset in all the time that I knew her.

"I said something wrong. I'm sorry." I rolled my eyes at myself. Hearing how stupid I sounded was torture.

"Not Elliot." She sobbed, muffled by my hair. I took her shoulders and gently lifted her away from me just enough so that I could see her. I kissed her nose.

"What is it, kid?" I rubbed her shoulders and watched her start to shake. I held her up as she went limp and the shaking got worse. She was really scaring me. What she said though, shook me all the way up my spine.

"My dad's dead." She stopped moving and wasn't making any sounds. I stared at the top of her head with my mouth wide open as she stared down. I knew she wasn't joking but... it couln't be true.

"Oh, no." I heard myself say as I pulled her to me without thinking. She started sobbing again, but hardly made any noise now. It couldn't be. This couldn't happen to her. This was going to destroy her. I had no idea what to say or do, so we just stayed there, her huddled into me and me holding on tight.

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Lucky for me, she fell asleep after about a half hour of intense sobbing. I couldn't say anything. What do you say to a girl when the only parent that she has left is gone? I put a blanket over her and went to get some juice and try to clear my head. I was dreading when she woke up. Of course, lucky me, that was a lot sooner than I hoped.

"I'm sorry." I almost threw my juice across the room when she startled me. I turned to see her standing in the doorway looking like she was melting in front of me. I got up and quickly put her in a chair and gave her my juice. She stared at the glass.

"You don't have any reason to be sorry, Cupcake." I tried to sound hopefully cheery without seeming like I was being insensitive. It sort of worked.

"I attacked you." Her voice was eerily distant.

"Oh, that? No worries." I sat down and tried to look calm. I took her hand from her lap and held it on the table.

"Carly, you know you can say anything you need to to me. We can talk about anything you want. Or, ya know, not." She didn't speak for a bit, so I stroked her hand and tried to reassure her.

"Can I..." She trailed off and sighed as she moved her chair closer to mine. "I just want..." She mumbled as she took my hands. Catching her hint, I got up with her and hugged her tight. I felt her body loosen up from being really tense and I felt her sigh.

"It wasn't even in battle or anything."

"What?"

"Something about an accidental discharge in the weapon storage place. It's like..." She took a deep breath and let go of me so that she could start pacing.

"It's like, I was prepared if he got killed in battle. It was always in the back of my mind. It wouldn't have been easy, but I don't think it would be this hard. I...I kinda knew what to expect and it's like, this isn't how it was supposed to be. Its just wrong! Its all wrong!" She spoke quickly and stumbled over her words. She swayed and motioned wildly with her arms as she paced. She was starting to sway a lot and I started to try to make her sit down again, but she was hard to get a hold of. She continued to ramble.

"And, its not like you can ever be ready for something like this. I mean, if you spend your whole life thinking about death then you have a really boring life, right? I don't want to think about it, I really don't. So I'm done! Yeah! There, I'm not gonna think about it any more. I'm gonna think about other things!" She choked on her words from time to time like she was trying very hard not to cry. She looked up suddenly and jumped towards me. She reached her arms around my neck and started trying to make out with me again. I tried to speak into her mouth, but I was blocked. I had to push her back, which I felt bad about, and hold her there by her shoulders.

"Carly, stop!"

"Why?"

"Cause this isn't the way to deal with this!" I pushed her firmly into a chair and held her as I looked down at her.

"Carly, I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Carly. I'm sorry that your dad died. I'm sorry that you weren't ready for it. I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I hated crying. Carly needed me and there I was being all weak and weepy.

"Sam..."

"I'm so sorry, Carly." I bent down and held onto her.

"Sam?" She asked from my shoulder.

"Yeh?"

"I...what do I do now?" She was so quiet. She was so unlike her normal self. I wasn't sure how I could help her or what I could say. I tried to think quick.

"Well..." I had to think of something.

"What...what about Spencer? How's he doing?"

"I...don't know. I kind of ran out right after I dropped the phone. I don't even know if he talked to Grandad or not. He probably doesn't know I'm here..." I saw the guilt was over her already worn face. I started to panic.

"Oh, hey, its okay. Here. Call him." I handed her my cell phone and waited while she dialed. She said hi to Freddie which was weird because she had called Spencer's cell. She kept getting cut off.

"Freddie, can I talk to Spencer? ...But I- I just want to make sure- I really don't want to come back there right now! ...I know...but..." She was starting to tremble so I took the phone from her and wrapped my other arm around her torso. She cuddled against me.

"Freddie, what the hell is going on?"

_"Spencer's freaking out. I really think that Carly should be here. I'm not good at this stuff."_

"Yeh well neither am I but here we are, Fred." I couldn't be sarcastic. I was scared, I admit it.

_"Well, can you get her back here? I mean, come with her cause it seems like she's doing okay with you."_

"I don't know if you can say okay, but I'll try."

_"Alright. Thanks Sam."_

"Yeh." We hung up and I put both my arms around Carly. I nestled into her hair.

"Carly, do you think we can go back to see Spencer?" I stroked her back hoping that she would stay calm.

"Don't want to." I kissed her forehead.

"I know, but Spencer is scaring Freddie. I think he needs his sister." She thrust away from me.

"What about what I need? I'm the kid here! He needs to grow up! I need someone to take care of me for once! Why am I always the one fixing everything? I just want to be a kid! I just wanna be normal!"

"You are normal, Carly." I tried to calm her.

"Normal kids don't have dead parents." She whispered breathlessly. I was so completely speechless by then that all I could do was hold her tighter. This was going to be a long few months...maybe years. I felt my tears start to fall silent and helplessly into Carly's hair as she cried into my neck.


	2. Chapter 2: A long way home

**_It's 3 am and I have work in like, 5 hours. You guys are lucky I luv you all. Chapter 2: lots of crying and screaming and still pretty depressing. Sorry. As usual, I don't actually own these characters or the show and I love people who review/add/subscribe. Chap 3 coming soon. Peace and love!_**

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I'm not entirely sure how I convinced Carly to go back to her apartment with me to be with Spencer. She cried for a long time with me in my kitchen so maybe she just cried out enough of it to be able to go. We walked there slowly and Carly was unsteady and clumsy the whole way. I held her hand firmly and she held back with just as much force. She held on to keep steady, but also for reassurance. We didn't speak. I had no idea what to say and I'm sure Carly was completely caught up in her thoughts.

When we got to the building, Carly stopped on the sidewalk and suddenly hugged me.

"Do I have to go in there?"

"Yeh. But don't worry, it'll be okay. Spencer loves you and you two need each other right now." She sniffed and clutched my shirt for a moment as she took a deep breath. I stroked her hair as she exhaled and we walked inside. Lewbert looked up and started to make some irritated noise, but stopped and motioned to Carly to come over. When Carly hesitated, he shouted "C'mere!" in his normal whiny way. She listened and walked over clutching my hand all the way. Lewbert came out from behind his desk and hugged Carly.

"Sorry." He said quickly before he backed away and walked back to his desk.

"Thanks, Lewbert." She was sincere and smiled at him. He nodded and we went up the stairs.

"That was nice of him." I said, mostly to myself. "Never would expect that." Carly hummed softly in response. At her door, she paused again. I squeezed her hand.

"Ready?"

"No."

"We gotta go in, Carls."

"I know, just open it." I opened the door slowly and led Carly in slowly by the arm. Spencer was in a fetal position on the sofa mumbling to Freddie who was kneeling on the floor and patting Spencer's back.

"Spencer?" Carly called softly. Spencer jolted upright and put his arms out. Carly didn't move at first so I tried to subtly pull her forward. She moved and fell into Spencer's arms. They started to cry onto each other's shoulders, so I tapped Freddienand motioned for him to follow me into the kitchen. We sat at the table and he put his head in his hands.

"What are we supposed to do? I mean, what do you say?" Freddie looked almost as drained as Carly and Spencer.

"I think we're doing okay. I mean, at least now they're together."

"Do you think we should leave?"

"I dunno. I'll go see."

"Thanks." I walked over to the siblings and took a breath and tried not to sound insensitive.

"Carly, Spencer? Do you want me and Freddie to leave?"

"No!" She replied immediately in a panic. She jumped away from Spencer and flailed towards me until I held onto her. Freddie replaced Carly in Spencer's arms when he started freaking out. I sat on the floor and brought Carly with me. I spoke just barely above a whisper. I was afraid I was gonna scare her.

"It's okay, Carly. I'll stay as long as you want."

"Yes, yes you will." I smiled, but felt guilty for smiling so I stopped. I waited for her to calm down a little again. I was cautious with what I said next.

"Carly, I'll stay right over there with Freddie, but I'm gonna give you back to Spencer, okay?" I felt her flinch, but she nodded and I got up slowly and gave her hands to Spencer. I waved my hand for Freddie to follow me again. We sat on the floor just far enough away from them that they couldn't hear us. I rubbed my head which was starting to hurt.

"Fredward, I think we better set up a tent." He nodded.

"I feel so awkward. It's not like we can make this any better. We're just sitting here invading their privacy."

"Its not like this is some internet chat, Freddie. I think they just don't wanna be alone. Its scary, right?"

"I guess. But I still feel weird."

"Yeah well, I think they kinda need us right now."

"Need?"

"Yeah. Like, they need someone else who isn't related, you know? So that they have something to bring them back to like, reality. Doesn't hurt to have someone to remind you that things are gonna get better, right?"

"Yeah. Well, I'm gonna call the school to let them know that we aren't coming in for a few days. Or, at least that Carly isn't." I choked back a snickering chuckle.

"What?" Freddie looked completely confused and even a little mad.

"I'm sorry, but its just so like you to think about that first."

"Well, school's very important to Carly!" Freddie was getting loud. I shushed him.

"I know, I know. Thanks, Freddie." He nodded and walked upstairs.

"Where's Freddie goin'?" Spencer squeaked.

"He's just gotta make a call." I said kind of nervously. "Don't worry, he'll be right back." Spencer sniffled and laid on the sofa. Carly sat at the other end hugging her knees. I sat on the arm of the sofa next to her and brushed some hair out of her face. She looked up a little and, even though I hate to say it, she looked like a mess. She had moist splotches all over her face from where she had smushed her own tears around Spencer's shirt. She was starting to get dark circles under her red and puffy eyes and her whole face was bright red. I looked over at Spencer and saw that he had dosed off, so I took Carly's arm and helped her get up.

With my arm protectively over her shoulder and my other arm supporting her, I walked with her to the kitchen and sat her on a stool. I got a towel, put a little water on it and started to dab her face carefully.

"How you doin' kid?" I held up her face up under the chin and she looked right at me with glassy eyes.

"It's a little better." I smiled slightly at her. I patted her cheeks dry and put the towel on the table.

"Good." I hugged her. In an instant, I felt her move and suddenly she was kissing me. My eyes went wide and I had to back away quick. I held her half an arms length away and took a quick deep breath.

"Carly, you can't keep doing that."

"Why?" Her voice sounded eerie and strange and it rang in my head for a bit.

"Because now is not the time for that stuff."

"But it makes me feel good." I winced as I tried to think of a way not to offend her.

"I know, but for now, lets stick to hugs. Just for a while." Carly 'hmph'ed and I smiled and shook my head. I hugged her anyway.

"Sam?" I heard from my shoulder.

"Yeah?" I backed up to look at her.

"I don't know what to do." I had to think fast. She looked like she was gonna start crying again and my heart skipped a few beats when it jumped into my throat.

"I...I don't think that you're supposed to know what to do."

"That's not helpful!" She screeched. I jumped and when I realized what she said, I let go of her and found myself rubbing the back of my neck and pacing.

"I know, I know! I just... you don't deserve this. I mean, you're such a terrific girl and you always do good things and you're just... really great. You shouldn't have to be here. You should only have good stuff." I stopped, facing away from her. "I'm sorry, I suck at making this any better." It wasn't quiet for too long, but it was weird when it was.

"Sam?" I looked over my shoulder and she was crying but she was also...smiling? I turned around and I bet I looked confused.

"I'm really glad you're here right now, Sam." She held out her arms and I felt her start to sob again as we settled into each other. I had to be doing something right.


	3. Chapter 3: When I was three

**_I'm uploading this while playing a zombie World of Darkness game with my buddies, just thought I'd share how dedicated to you guys I am. This chapter is a little less depressing, which makes me happy. I hope you guys enjoy!_**

**_Like always, I loves the love if you give the reviews and the favs/watches. Also, I don't own anything related to iCarly, even though it would be fun. I also don't own Tigger, but I do own a big stuffed Pooh Bear!  
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It had been a few hours since I had brought Carly home and the whole atmosphere was starting to pick up. Both Carly and Spencer had cried themselves out and were looking around all of Spencer's "storage" areas for photo albums. Freddie had actually made a pretty good suggestion with that one. I gotta say, I give the dweeb props. He was being pretty useful.

I was leaning over a pot of boiling water pouring macaroni into it. I had decided to throw some dinner together for everyone. I didn't mind cooking as long as I got to eat it-that is eat the biggest portion of it. The conversations from the other room were pretty funny.

"Is this it?"

"No, Freddie! That's a bunch of nature magazines!"

"I found my Pokemon cards!"

"That would be great if we were looking for Pokemon cards and not photo albums, Spencer!" Carly sounded excited and on edge at the same time.

"Hey Freddie, battle me later!"

"Sure!"

"Yes, later because now we need to find photo albums!" Carly was throwing things over her shoulders and plopping all kinds of junk beside her everywhere she looked.

"Carls! Relax a little!" I called from the stove.

"You could help!" She didn't sound aggravated we me, but she did sound kind of playful.

"Well I want to eat! And you're all just lucky I decided to feed you too."

"You always want to eat! And I bet you'll eat most of that anyway." She had snuck closer to me until she kissed my cheek after the last word.

"Carls..." I warned, even though I kind of wanted her to keep kissing me.

"I know, I know. 88'Now's not the right time myeh myeh myeh.'88" She mockingly imitated me so I playfully whacked her with the spoon. She stole another kiss before I could say anything and then she went back to her search. I let her get away with it. She said that it made her feel better and at that point, what harm can a few little kisses do if it makes her feel better?

"I think I got them!" Freddie ran to the sofa carrying half a dozen bound books. I saw Spencer spin around and run over so quickly that I thought his head was gonna spin off. Carly's face lit up when she saw the books, but took her time walking over. I stirred the macaroni and went to get a look at the things. They were looking at the first book when I got there.

"Aww, widdle baybee Spenswer." Freddie teased at an old photo of Spencer in some polka dot toddler pajamas.

"Hey, those were my fav jammies. Wore 'em 'til I was 14." We all turned to him looking either confused or impressed.

"Aww! My big brother's first big boy potty!" Carly razzed Spencer about a picture and nudged him.

"Just wait 'til we get to your album, little sister."

"Ooo soo scared!" Carly giggled and I felt amazing. After the breakdowns from earlier, it was so awesome to see Spencer and her feeling okay. Of course, it didn't last very long. Suddenly, all the chuckles and snickers and chatter cut off and everything was quiet. I looked down and I saw a man who looked suspiciously similar to Spencer holding a newborn sitting next to a sleeping woman who looked like a perfect blend of Carly and Spencer. Oh no.

"Mom and dad." Spencer said softly.

"Wow." Carly looked stunned and ran her fingers over the plastic film that covered all of the pictures. She stopped by both her mother and father's face. "That's you, huh Spence?"

"Yup." She was so slow in her movements it was like time had slowed down.

"Look how amazing they look." She looked like she was in a trance.

"You think that's something..." Spencer started quietly as he closed that album and looked through the others until he found a red one. He opened it up and the first picture was one that looked a lot like the one with newborn Spencer. This one had another newborn baby in it. The woman was holding the baby and on her left was that same guy, but he was looking older. I held back a laugh when I realized that the awkward preteen boy on the right was Spencer. I felt bad that I didn't really know Carly's dad. I also felt a little disappointed that I had been way too late to ever even hear her mother on the phone. I was starting to feel really sad, and then I realized that the pot was starting to boil over.

I left those guys on the sofa while I went to fix the food. They just sat there staring at the same picture. I could hear them mumble about things that they remembered from when they were little. Freddie showed up next to me after a couple of minutes.

"I wanna give them a little privacy."

"Whatever, Fredness. Get me a strainer." He nodded and went to the cabinet. I strained the pasta and put the sauce and stuff on it and Freddie got plates. I walked cautiously over to them. It still felt like walking on broken glass to be near them.

"Guys, if you want, there's food." I sounded so tiny. It was really weird. I shook my head as I turned back to sit with Freddie. He put the food on my plate and handed it to me without a sound. We both stared down while we were eating. The whole place had gotten so awkward all of a sudden. I felt Carly brush by me as she and Spencer came in and sat down. And still, no one said a word. Carly moved her seat closer to mine until our thighs were touching.

Neither Carly nor Spencer were actually eating, they just pushed the food around. Carly eventually just laid her head on my shoulder and gave up on her plate. I put my fork down then and put a hand on her shoulder. I looked up and saw Spencer doing a little better. At least he was trying to eat. He was staring down and looked like he was totally spaced out. I shot a 'do something' look to Freddie who shrugged at me.

"Hey Spencer..." I jumped a little when Carly broke the silence. She didn't move and was holding loosely onto my shirt. "Remember my third birthday?" Spencer didn't look up, but started moving his food around again.

"The one with the ponies?"

"Yeah. Remember how dad hired the whole ranch to come to the yard for that huge party with all of those kids I hardly knew from preschool? And do you remember that cake mom made? It looked so cool."

"The Tigger cake! She sculpted the whole thing out. Actually, I think I helped her make that thing."

"I guess that's where you got your skills from."

"Yeah, I guess so. Is that why you like horses so much?" He started to perk up a little. Carly giggled at my side.

"I guess dad just knew what I liked. Do we have pictures from that?"

"Of course!" He jumped up and ran to the living room again. He vaulted over the arm of the sofa and landed hard on the seat. Carly giggled again at the sound. I giggled with her and stroked her shoulder very lightly. I moved and tried to coax her to get up with me.

"Can I see those pictures?" I asked her, trying to make an excuse to get her up. She nodded and we sat next to Spencer. She never fully let go of me. Spencer started flipping through the album and told this long story about the birthday party and what his parents did and all of the weird kids that had shown up. It seems like parties for Carly have always ended up going a little different than anyone planned.

As the stories went on, Carly was falling into me. Eventually, she had her head nuzzled perfectly in the crook of my shoulder and I was resting my head on hers. I had my hand on her neck and I had been stroking her jaw. I felt some wetness on my hand and started to inwardly panic at the tears, but tried to stay as calm as possible. I shifted a little so that I could see her face and felt like a cool, calm breeze came by when I saw that she was smiling.


	4. Chapter 4: 3:47am

**Heya! I tried to get this up before they cut the internet at my house, but it didn't really work out. So thank my buddy for letting me use his internet. **

**This chapter is a little sad. Poor girls. I don't own em, I just write em. I love you guys when you encourage me with the comments and favs and watches and what have you. The next one I think I have to up the rating. [And there's your hook ;)]  
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Freddie's mom had come over around 11 and told him to come home. When Spencer got worked up about it, she gave him a hug and actually tried to comfort him. And it worked. She reassured him that Carly and I would be in the apartment and that she and Freddie would be right across the hall. It was the least weird I ever saw her be.

After Freddie left, I was starting to feel tired, but Carly didn't want to stop chatting or watching Girly Cow or whatever she kept trying to get me to do. Eventually around 1 am, Spencer was tired enough to walk like a zombie to his room. Carly seemed to still be very awake. I had to bring her upstairs and basically tuck her into her bed. She held onto my hand and talked to me until her words got jumbled and she drifted off.

By then I was exhausted by staying with her and having to continuously refuse her when she asked me to stay with her all night. I was trying to be respectful and good. I was trying to separate whatever I feel for her from what she needed me to be just then. I went downstairs and looked at the clock which told me that it was now 2:45 in the morning. I fell onto the sofa and pretty much passed out.

I had Carly next to me. We were in her bed and she was staring into my eyes. She silently mouthed 'I love you' over and over while stroking my face, but I couldn't feel her touch. I started to feel it harder and harder until her hand started to feel like sandpaper. Her mouth morphed from the 'I love you's to her whispering my name very loud.

I gasped and knocked my heard into something as I tried to get up to avoid the creepy dream. I opened my eyes as I clasped my forehead in my hands. I squinted while my eyes were adjusting to the dark. The red numbers of the clock were the first things that I could see. They 3:47.

"Daaaaaaamnit!" I whined to no one in particular. Then I noticed the sniffing figure sitting on the floor in front of me.

"S...Sam?" She spat out meekly. I turned towards her and felt around with my fingertips until I found her face. I held onto her jaw and felt the sticky lines of drying tears.

"Carls, its like the middle of … are you ok?" I was still half asleep, but trying to be sensitive.

"I..." She felt for my hand and I gave it to her. I could hear her voice catching in her throat. "I don't want to be alone." She placed my palm to her chest and held tight. I sat up and carefully pulled her up onto the sofa with me and all the while she gripped my hand. I shimmied to face her and started stroking her hair. I leaned in squinting a little trying to look into her face.

"What happened, Carls? You were fine when we went upstairs earlier."

"I.. my dreams... I couldn't..." She hic-ed and stopped trying to talk. I saw her face scrunch and move around after she stopped talking. Her breathing was out of whack and I could feel her starting to panic. I pulled her to me and I held held her tight as I waited for the shaking to calm down.

"I'm sorry." I heard muffled from my shirt.

"No prob." I tried to sound alert, but I was so worn out.

"I should act like an adult and suck it up."

"No, Carly. You just had something majorly tragic happen. You can be as scared as you gotta be." I rubbed her back and never let up on my grip around her.

"How about we go back up to your bedroom and I stay with you?" I felt her hug tighter.

"I thought you didn't want to. I thought you wanted to be by yourself."

"No, Carls! That was never it, I promise. I just...I don't want to, like...take advantage of you or anything." I tried not to sound like the monster I was beginning to sound like to myself. She nuzzled my hand with her cheek.

"I'm tired." She said softly.

"I know." I started to get up and had her follow me. I held her close and she clung to me all the way up the stairs to her room. I was able to get us to the bed by the soft lights from the street lamps. I laid her down and she nudged over for me to get in. She still refused to let go of my hand. I closed my eyes as she hugged me close with clenched hands. I stroked her back to try to get her to loosen up a little. I had almost dosed off when she spoke out of no where.

"This is kind of funny." I blinked myself back into the waking world and processed what she had said.

"What do you mean?" She was only holding on loosely by then which made me relax myself.

"Usually its you who sneaks up on me late at night all crazy and looking for someone to sleep next next to." I chuckled lightly.

"You're not crazy."

"I feel crazy." I heard her voice drop into that depressed, unhappy thing that made me feel really horrible.

"Well, you're not. That's my thing." In the dark, I could make out her little grin forming at the comment. She shifted so that her head was resting against my neck and I heard her sigh. Again, she startled me when she spoke suddenly after silence.

"Why do you think that you are gonna take advantage of me?" I was searching for an answer that was reasonable. This was not time for me to become the center of attention.

"Well, its just with what usually happens when you're not happy..." I trailed off. I hoped that it was a good enough answer that she didn't bother asking anything more.

"I wouldn't though."

"You kind of already have been." I blurted out without thinking.

"What do you mean?" She sounded a little angry or offended or something. I was suddenly awake as I tried to think of a way out of the hole I had dug.

"Well, I mean...you've kind of been all around me most of the day." I tried to stop the word vomit, or at least sound less idiotic, but I didn't seem to be able to.

"Well if you didn't want to be around, you could have left!" She sat up and sounded on the edge of crying, but she was so angry.

"I didn't-that's not what I meant!"

"What then?" She was screeching and could see the tears starting to fall down her cheeks again. I clawed at my head in frustration.

"I'm afraid that if you want to do things with me that I wont be able to help myself, okay? I'm afraid that this is going to to from me being a good best friend to me being a forget-fuck! I just...I want to be a good friend right now, and I can do that better without having to have the thoughts of you naked!" I thought that I was sounding more and more stupid with each word. I was trying not to sound like I was angry with her because I wasn't. The problem was that I was getting frustrated and it sounded like angry. She had started to sob out loud and I could feel my stomach knot up. She sat away from me and cried into her hands.

"Carly..." I reached to put a hand on her shoulder, but she flinched when I touched her.

"I'm so stupid." She choked out. I put my hands on her knees.

"You're not. You're Carly Shay and you're the smartest person I ever met. You're even way smarter than Fredness." She sputtered a quick crying laugh. She threw her head back then and groaned.

"I feel like I'm going insane!" She fell back and bounced on the mattress as she landed. I cautiously laid beside her and turned her head to look at me. I laid my hand on her cheek.

"It'll get better." I tried to reassure her. She sighed and put her arms around me.

"Don't lie to me." She said starting to sound tired.

"Mama don't lie." I smiled and saw her crack a smirk.

"Goodnight." She said softly. I kissed her nose and saw the smile come over her face as she closed her eyes. I closed my own eyes and luckily, fell asleep right away.


	5. Chapter 5: Eight times

**Holey smokes, guys. I'm so sorry about the delay on this one, but I got a block like you wouldn't believe. Plus I started school and other things are happening in life...I'm just sorry. Hopefully I'll get another chap out soon. I think I have an idea. **

**As always, I don't own 'em, i just write 'em (that includes Velcro) and please send the love because it truly does make me smile to know that you're enjoying. *hug*  
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Eight. Eight times, Carly woke me up by flailing around or screaming out loud from what I assume were her nightmares. Each time, I woke her up and she clung to me like Velcro. Each time, I had to convince her that she was in her bed and that she was safe.

I woke up at 10:47. The last time that I had looked at the clock, it had been 6:39. Most of the night, there had not been more than an hour between Carly waking up. I actually started to panic when I saw that Carly was not in my arms or even in the bed. I sat up and looked around wide eyed and saw that the bathroom door was closed. I got up and knocked as calmly as I could.

"Sam?" Carly's voice called from the other side. I heard a splash and sighed with relief.

"Scared me for a minute, Carls." When I realized the situation, I looked back at the door. "You don't take baths." I realized and said through the wood divider. She was acting way weird.

"I'm pretending its a hot tub." She called out with a hint of enthusiasm. "Laying in your own filth isn't all that bad really. Its pretty relaxing." I chuckled out loud at the comment.

"My mom always takes baths to relax after really bad dates; usually with bikers."

"Your mom has a lot of bad dates." She splashed back. It felt normal for a while. It was a really great feeling, but pretty brief.

"You...could come join me if you want." She suddenly said with a bit of a riské tone in her voice. I got a chill and had to try hard not to shiver out loud.

"No...I'm gonna go get something to eat." I knew I sounded unsure and hesitant and I bet anything that she picked up on it.

"Make me some waffles?" She asked normally as if the last comment had never happened.

"Sure." My voice was the same hesitant tone. I couldn't help it. Carly had her off moments, but she'd been downright bipolar lately.

When I got downstairs, I saw Spencer staring with a fierce intensity at a cereal box. He wasn't just staring blankly, that I would have understood. He looked like he was in a staring contest with the box.

"Hey, Spence." I greeted him, hoping to figure out what the hell he was doing.

"Sam." He said quickly and continued to stare at the box. I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Sooo...whacha got there, Spencer?" I poked the box.

"Box." I threw my arms up at the answer, but really, what was I expecting?

"I mean...why are ya staring at it like that?"

"That gopher gave me a dirty look." I shook my head and reached for the box. I pointed at the cartoon gopher mascot of the Gopher Rice Gobbles and pointed the box back at Spencer.

"This gopher cannot give you any looks...except for this one riight here." I tapped the face of the gopher and opened the box.

"Hey! That's my breakfast!"

"Relax, I'll get you a bowl."

"No! I can do it myself!" Spencer snapped. I shot him a look of confused concern.

"I know...I'm just trying to be nice..." I handed him the box and hoped that the box would end the conversation. He sunk his hand into the box and started to eat the cereal sloppily by the handful. I decided to leave him to it for a little while and check up on Carly. I stupidly opened the door without knocking.

In front of me stood a very nude Carly leaning into her drawer. I couldn't make my feet move or my mouth shut. She got up from the drawer and noticed me. A slightly creepy grin formed on her face.

"You could just ask if you want to see, Sam. You don't have to sneak in." She started walking to me. I was finally able to shake my head out of the trance and think again. I backed up clumsily and tripped. She lowered herself to the floor all the while facing me with the creepiest dazed face. I tried to back away, but she was quick and landed herself on me just as fast as I started to back up. She pushed me back so that I was laying on the floor under her and started to make out with me hard. I felt my face cringe in my efforts to get her off of me. I'm a strong girl, but when Carly is set in something, she is scary strong. I was starting to panic again.

Finally, I was able to move in the right way and turn her over so that I was on her belly and pinned her hands beside her head. Her grin grew and I shuttered, but kept my grip. I knew my eyes were wide and I had to have looked really scared, but all she would do was stare back with that awful grin.

"Carly! You can't keep doing this!" I tried not to scream, but my voice was unstable. I watched as, slowly, her grin fell and she looked down like a child looks in shame. I was relieved, but I knew what was coming. I saw tears starting to fall down her cheeks. She didn't move as I let go of her hands, got off of her stomach and knelt next to her. I offered her my hand to help her get up, but she just shook her head at me. I reached behind her neck and back and lifted her up so that she was sitting. I held her up by her arms and she slumped forward. I hugged her to me yet again and felt her shutter with every sob. I tried to think of some way to make her relax or to think of something else. All that I came up with ended up sounding so stupid.

"Do...do you want those waffles?" I heard myself say as I amazed myself with my awkwardness. She shook her head into my shirt. I decided that she couldn't just sulk around, so I started to get up and brought her body with me. I think she made a point of trying to be as heavy and full of dead weight as she could.

"Come on, Carly. We're gonna go see Spencer and get some food. I'm starving."

"I don't want to see Spencer." She whined into the air as her head slumped back.

"Well he's where the bacon is so whatever. Even if you don't eat, you're coming down." I took her hand and led her downstairs. She mumbled whines all the way as I pulled her behind me. I guess I was happy that she was even out of bed. I turned the corner from the stairs to see Spencer sitting at the counter. His head was on the counter in a pile of Gopher Gobbles and his arms were dangling at his sides. I felt my heart jump to my throat. I spun to Carly and stopped her in her tracks.

"Stay." I almost tripped as I turned and ran down to Spencer. I was looking for blood, broken glass, knives, anything that might be wrong. After not seeing anything, I was still afraid to touch him.

"Spencer..." I very slowly touched his shoulder. I felt him flinch and almost screamed as I jumped. At least he was alive.

"Spence...you okay?" I tried moving his face and found a bunch of mushy cereal underneath and stuck to his cheeks. He started to scream out as I turned him. I shooshed him but he didn't care.

"Caarlaaaaaaaaay!" He screamed and then mumbled loudly. I was trying everything that I knew how, which really isn't that much, to get him to calm down. He completely ignored me and continued to make all kinds of horrible noises. I didn't realize it at first, but I had started clutching my head in frustration. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped. I look around, completely confused. I felt a hand on my arm which pulled my hand away from my head and turned my body around to face Carly.

Spencer was crying into her shoulder and she was stroking my arm with one finger from her other hand. She stared at me with a tired, defeated look that made my skin feel like it was melting. I put my arms around both of them and held tight. My heart was still racing from thinking that Spencer had... yeh. I only noticed the shaking when Carly started to stroke my back.

I thought to myself then "Wait! I'm supposed to be the one comforting them!" and then as a reflex, I squeezed just a little harder before I backed away.

"I'm...gonna make breakfast. Carly, you wanted waffles, right?" I felt the same shot of awkwardness as I rolled my eyes behind closed lids. She nodded and smiled lightly at me. It wasn't the creepy grin from before, it was normal Carly's sweet little smile and it felt less awkward. I nodded and went to go get the waffles.

I'm still just a kid. I don't know what I'm doing with this stuff, but Carly needed me and if waffles were going to make her feel any better, then waffles! I was hoping as I set up the toaster that I wasn't just making things worse for the both of them by being around. It had been going through my head throughout this whole thing. I wasn't going to get an answer to that for a while, but I figure doing something is better than ignoring the whole thing. And she smiled at me. I must have done something good.

I looked over to them and saw that Carly had laid her head on Spencer's shoulder. She had a content look on her closed eyes and a very small smile. At least I could be sure that they were helping each other.


	6. Chapter 6: Assaulted Wendy

**Hey all. Big things are happening in Sara land ATM so bear with the erratic updates. Sara still loves you, I promise, she's just got a million things happening. **

**Chapter 6, simple, easy. I don't own 'em, I just write 'em. I love your comments and favs as always.  
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I had just sat everyone down and put the plates on the table when there was a knock at the door. I went to open it. I really shouldn't have.

"Spencer, I thought that with all of this, you could use a little help so I brought you this fruit salad for break-Sam?" Ms. Benson finally snapped out of her rambling when she realized that I was definitely not Spencer.

"Sam why are you not at school?" She put down the fruit salad as she came in and closed the door, all the while staring daggers at me.

"'Cause I'd rather be here?"

"Nonsense. Carly has a very good reason to be out but you need to get your education, young lady." She spoke quietly enough that Spencer and Carly could not hear, but she spoke sternly. Even though they could not hear, Carly and Spencer were looking curiously at the scene.

"You don't know me very well do you, Ms. B?"

"I know you well enough, Samantha Puckett and we are going to drive you to school right now. Get your things."

"No way! I don't want to."

"You'll come with me or I will report you for truancy! What will your mother think of that?" She looked so smug. I just wanted to smack her one.

"Sam?" I heard Carly call. I could feel my face soften when I remembered that Benson and I were not the only ones here. I walked to Carly and ignored Ms. Benson.

"What's up, Cupcake?"

"Why don't you just go? You know she wont leave you alone until you do."

"But...you guys..." I saw her look away for a second, but long enough for me not to fully believe her when she said,

"We'll be alright for a few hours." She kept looking away. I knew that she was lying, but she was Carly, this is what she would tell me to do no matter what. Half the time that I go to school its only because she convinces me to go in. I didn't want to leave her and I was pretty sure that she didn't want me to go but I hugged her tight and kissed her discretely on the cheek before I went back to Ms. Benson and stared her in the face with a not-so-happy look.

"Fine. You win. Let's go." I ran up to Carly's room to get my bag and before I knew it, I was headed to third period with a late pass. I knew I was scowling. Gibby mentioned it and I almost hit him. I didn't though. I was good. I knew that Carly wouldn't want it any other way.

It couldn't stay that way for long though. Freddie was surprised when I sat next to him at lunch.

"Sup Fredwad?" I said, trying to sound normal.

"I thought you were staying with Carly and Spencer? What happened?" I turned to him and scowled.

"Your mom happened, Benson."

"Yah, haha, that's such a funny, not over used piece of sarcasm." He said using his own stupid sarcastic voice.

"No, you nublet. It really was your mother. She forced me to come deal with this place. Dragged me here in her stupid car and everything."

"Oh." He said quietly, knowing.

"Hey Sam, where were you this morning? I didn't see you in first period. What are you scowling at, Sam? Its kind of freaky." Wendy had come up behind me and begun commenting and I couldn't take it anymore. I spun up and out of my seat and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt.

"What the fuck do you want? What is your issue? Why wont you idiots just leave me alone for one day!" I screamed. I had lost control and I was grasping within myself to get it back because I knew this would not end well. Of course, it didn't. I was soon being grabbed by several teachers and wrestled onto a wall. Wendy looked a little stunned, but nothing tragic. Meanwhile, I was being dragged out of the cafeteria backwards by my hands behind my back. I didn't really resist. At least this was normal. They usually didn't pull me with my arms behind my back though. Before I knew it, I was hearing Principal Franklin's secretary tell him that he had an emergency meeting and I was thrown into his office. He looked at me as I slumped into the chair in front of his desk. He didn't look upset or even disappointed as he usually did when I was pulled in there.

"Sam, you don't want to be here, do you?" He asked me calmly and with more concern in his voice than he usually used for me.

"When do I ever want to?" I tried to sound distant and I looked out the window.

"Today is a little different though, isn't it? I understand that you have been staying with Miss Carly Shay and helping her and her brother with their current... situation. I would expect something like that to take a toll on a person, even someone as strong as you are."

"So I've been helping them out. What's the problem here?" I tried my hardest to sound angry. Principal Franklin is one of the few people who I usually feel comfortable with, but today I just didn't need his pity or disappointment.

"There is no problem, Sam. Well, I mean there is. You did assault your fellow student, but I suspect that the problem is deeper than that or at least fueled by something deeper. How are you, Sam? What's going on here?"

"Nothing. I just...don't want to be here right now." I couldn't continue to sound angry. I wasn't. I mumbled as I spoke and I thought I sounded really weak. It made me cringe. Principal Franklin leaned over his desk and onto his hands.

"Sam, here's the thing. You did assault Wendy, so I am going to suspend you. I do suspect that your motivation was not malicious however, so I am not going to put this on your record or call your home. You are not to come back to school for say... four school days?" I noticed a light, sympathetic smile on his face. He knew what was going on. He knew how crazy it was in my head lately and he understood. I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Gotta learn somehow." I shrugged, but I tried to sound appreciative.

"Alright, Miss Puckett. You are free to leave the school for the day. I will contact some student ambassadors to collect your assignments and Carly's. I'll see you in a few days." He held out his hand. I couldn't help but smile a little. Principal Franklin really did get it. He was a great guy.

"Thanks, Ted." I said as I took his hand in both of mine. He chuckled very lightly as he nodded.

As I left, no one bothered me. Almost everyone was in sixth period classes so I was able to get out without a scene or questions. I ran half the way back to Carly's and walked fast the other half. When I got to the door, I entered slowly and cautiously. Spencer was napping on the sofa so I walked carefully toward the stairs. He startled me a bit when he moved and sat up.

"Sam?"

"Hi." I said, putting on a little smile.

"I thought Ms. Benson made you go to school?"

"Four day suspension." He rubbed his eyes and leaned over the back of the sofa.

"What'd ya do?"

"Assaulted Wendy." His eyes went wide.

"Why?"

"'Cause they were all pissing me off. I didn't want to be there today."

"Oh. Well you should be careful with that."

"I know. I'll see you in a few, 'k Spence?" I started to climb the steps but he stopped me.

"Actually...can you come here for a sec first?" He turned around on the sofa so I went to sit next to him. He leaned his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and he looked like he was thinking really hard.

"Sam, I'm really sorry about this morning."

"Oh. Its no big deal."

"It is too a big deal. I know I really scared you and I could have really scared Carly if you weren't there. I just...I feel all kinds of crazy lately and I don't know what I'm doing..."

"Spence, you should be a little out of it, this is a big thing. I was scared because I thought bad things happened to you, but you're okay and it actually seems like you're doing a whole lot better than you were this morning."

"You really helped, I want you to know that. Both me and Carly are going a kinda loony and you're making it seem not so crazy. So, I guess thank you. I mean it." I hugged him. He squeezed me in a hug back and it felt like the good old Spencer.

"Hey, I'm just doing my job." I said lightly. He giggled as he let me go.

"Okay, Carly's waiting for you to get back from school so she's in her room. I'm gonna order Chinese food later, tell her that."

"Got it."

I felt good as I was going upstairs. Spencer was so normal again. I hoped that it would last and didn't think about it not lasting. I took a deep breath before I went to open Carly's door. I peered around the door cautiously as I went in.


	7. Chapter 7: The Figure is Blurry

**Holy smokes! I'm really sorry that its been so long. School, moving, busting my foot in Providence, ect. Yeh. Just trust. **

**Anyway, love and kisses to all those who stick by me and I love the love I see from my loyals! Also, I don't own it, I just write it.  
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"Carly?" I was moving very slowly and smiled when I saw her sitting in her chair looking at an album. She got up silently with a big smile on her face. She walked over to me gracefully and fell into my arms.

"I really missed you." She said from my side and she sounded so sincere. Her voice was nothing like it had been when she was naked earlier. This was my Carly. I held her tight and enjoyed the scent of her kumquat shampoo. She backed away slightly and smiled as she looked into my eyes. I felt my face pull into a grin. She had such powers over me. She moved in slowly and carefully as she closed her eyes. She hesitated slightly right in front of my lips as if she were asking for permission. This was my shy Carly. I gave her permission by closing the gap between us.

I tasted the mint toothpaste that she loved and the pineapple lip balm that she had bought last week. I was fighting the urge to pass out from how amazing I was feeling.

I can't tell you how long we were kissing. It seemed long, but I don't think that I was even fully conscious for a lot of it. It didn't go into making out or anything, we were just enjoying each other's lips. When she broke away with a small smooch sound, I could still feel her breathing on my lips. I pecked her lips quickly before I backed away a little more. I was grinning. I felt it. I probably looked stupid, but she looked so happy. I leaned her forehead onto mine and giggled as she stared up at me.

"What's in the book?" I said softly.

"Us." Sure enough, the photo on the front was of her sitting at a birthday cake and me with an arm around her. We were both grinning like little kids do. That was from the first birthday that I was invited to. I had terrorized most of the other kids and even some of her family that day when they tried to do something with her without me. I remember that she didn't mind at all and said that I was more fun anyway.

As we flipped though the pages while sharing the same tiny seat, we giggled softly. We spoke quietly as we talked about all of the images. Of course, my good feeling would be fleeting. We came across an image of Mr. Shay and I immediately felt Carly's hand claw onto my pant leg. Her breathing hitched and became heavy in an instant. I swiftly put my arms around her and held tight.

Before I knew what was going on, she had pushed me back and had started to make out with me. She was so intense about it. She was so harsh, I was almost afraid of what she was going to do to me. Her hands flew over my body in a blur. She was clawing and pulling at my skin and clothes and I was struggling beneath her frenzied body.

She had my pants unbuttoned and most of my top off before I was able to get out from under her with a thud as I hit the floor. Gasping, I scuttled away from Carly. She sat stunned and panting.

"Carly! Why do you keep doing that?"

"Because I want to." She said with her eerie voice. I drew my hands to my chest and held my body. I gathered myself for a minute before I crawled to sit next to her. She looked around her with angry eyes and I waited.

"Why do you keep saying no?" She asked, irritated.

"Not like this, Carls. I want you to want me, not to use me to try to fix that broken piece. Its not going to work like that and then you'll be hurt and feel bad. I don't want that to happen. I want only good memories of us being together that way. If you want to cry about this, if you want to scream about this, do it! We just can't do...that. Its not going to work and it wont make you feel better." I didn't want to admit that. I was realizing over the past day or so that I when she came to me to "feel better", it wasn't because she wanted me. I didn't really want to let it go though. It was so incredible being with her. She feels so good and she is so beautiful. I don't want to give that up, but I don't want to see her so confused and mixed up anymore.

"You make me feel better. Why can't you just do this for me?" She sounded right on the edge of frustrated tears. I had to convince myself that this was the best thing for her. I couldn't think of anything to reply with. I just held on to her tight for a bit.

"I want you to...feel better before we can have that good feeling together. I can wait as long as you need to be held onto." She struggled a little, but I think it was just for show. She didn't seem to try very hard or put any force behind it. She was lightly battering my shoulders and knees, but her movement died off as her body started to jump with her sobs.

"Why is this so hard, Sam? I just want it to be over."

"Carly, its only been a day."

"I don't even know why I'm going so crazy. I just...I can't get a grip."

"That's okay, Cupcake. You'll get there."

"I didn't even love him that much." She said bluntly as her face grew angry. I was shocked for a second by the admission.

"You don't mean that." I said, sympathetically.

"Yeah I do mean it, Sam!" She was pissed for a moment, but then she started to look around her quickly.

"Well, I mean at least not the way that I'm supposed to."

"Supposed to?"

"Well yeah. It kind of feels like he's... a distant uncle who comes to visit sometimes. He was hardly around. It's like I never had any parents, just Spencer. I only vaguely remember my mother. I really try to. I watch all the home movies and look at all of the pictures, but I can only have little tiny pieces of her. I can remember her caring, though. I can remember her singing to me and dancing with me, it's just that the figure is blurry in my memory."

"Its different with my dad. I know what he's like, but I feel like he cared so much more about his job than being with us, even after mom was gone. All I wanted for so long after was him. And I did get him for a little while. He took a full six month leave. And he was almost starting to feel real to me, but then he left...again. He was hardly ever back after that." She had curled up against me more and more as she talked, like she was searching very hard for comfort. She had stopped crying and as I looked down at her, I noticed how angry she looked. It was not the emotion that I was expecting.

"Carly, he loved you a lot. You know that, right?" I spoke lightly to her, hoping to bring her up just a bit. She rolled her eyes.

"Sure he did. How would you know anyway?" She spoke with a glare. I ignored her instigating tone of voice.

"I know he did because he's your dad, Carls. I mean, my mom ain't winning any mother of the year awards, but I know that she loves me."

"You're really not making a very good defense with that example, Sam." She sounded almost snobby. I kept having to remind myself that this was Carly and that I couldn't and wouldn't attack her. It was beginning to get difficult to ignore her bad mood.

"I'm sorry, Carly. I'm trying." I held my head. She didn't move for a while and I started when I felt her arms around my neck. She didn't say anything. We didn't move. I realized that we were at a stalemate, but what could we do? So we stayed.


	8. Chapter 8: You Were Screaming

**'Ello! Well, we're nearing the end of this one. I don't like stories that drag much and I think that I'm at a point where that wont happen so I think... 2 or 3 more chapters? We'll see! Speaking of seeing, what would you like to see happen? Just curious. Right, enjoy! The crazy is dying down and the sweet is amping up.**

**As always, I don't own 'em, I just write 'em, but I defs own what I write!  
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When we came downstairs in the morning after falling asleep some time after 2am, we saw Spencer hang up the phone.

"What's up, Spence?" I asked. He looked blank.

"That was Grandad. They set the wake up later today and the funeral is tomorrow. Its closed casket." His voice faded as he spoke. Carly floated further into me with every word. By the end her head was buried against my shoulder and her arms were drawn up to her neck, clutching my shirt. I put my arms around her and looked to Spencer.

"You okay, Spence?" I was hoping that he would say that it was alright and that he was fine, but I knew from the look on his face that he needed to be held as much as Carly. Its hard being one girl who usually focuses on herself who has to suddenly make sure everyone else is doing alright. It sounds really selfish.

I moved Carly over to the sofa and sat with her. I motioned for Spencer to join us. He shook his head slightly as he stared off, leaning over the counter. I kept a watch over him out of the corner of my eye, but turned my attention to Carly. She wasn't crying. I had no idea if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I...don't want to go." She said quietly.

"No one can force you to go to a funeral."

"You haven't really met my Grandad and my father's friends."

"So? They if they try to make you go or feel uncomfortable about it, I can take 'em." Her eyes went wide for a moment.

"Oh god, Sam. Please don't hit the military men. Juvie is one thing but hitting my dad's friends..." I grimaced as she looked terrified.

"Okay. I wont actually hit them, but just for the record, I could totally take them."

"Scarily enough, I have no doubt about that."

"But they still can't make you go. I'll talk to them. We'll work it out." I rubbed her back for a moment to try to get her to calm down. She had started to tremble. I nuzzled into her hair and put a lingering kiss on her forehead. I felt her take a deep breath and stop shaking.

I looked back to Spencer and saw him making eggs. I motioned to Carly in his direction with my head. She nodded and we went to the table. I tried to take the spatula away from Spencer but he didn't want to give it up, so I let him make the eggs. I held Carly's hand as I sat at the table and felt it stop trembling the second my hand covered hers. Carly scooted over to me until she could lay her head on my shoulder. I stroked her hair and listened to her softened breath.

Spencer put the plates in front of us and handed us forks before he sat down to his breakfast. I muttered a soft "Thanks, Spence." When he gave me the forks.

It was silent for a little while. There weren't any clanks from the plates or anything. I of course had to break the silence.

"Spencer...can I ask you something?" He looked up slightly.

"Do...do you think it'd be alright if Carly didn't go to the wake or the funeral? Its...Its really bugging her." He looked up from the table and put his fork down. I felt Carly's nails dig into my shirt.

"Is that true, Carly?" It was vary faint, but I think I heard his voice crack. Carly didn't answer. She just raised her head to nod at Spencer and then buried her face in my shoulder. I felt her body jump as she started to sob. Spencer's eyes moved around for a minute. He was thinking of what to say, I bet. He gulped and opened his mouth. It gaped and closed like a fish a couple of times before he was able to say anything.

"I...I mean, you don't have to..." He stopped and I saw his eyes twitch. He was trying not to cry. "I would have to go alone then..." He said quietly as his head dropped. I thought quickly.

"I bet Freddie or Socko would go with you. Maybe even Gibby." He looked up and he looked hopeful.

"You think they would?"

"Yeah. I mean, they're your friends, right?"

"I always thought they were more your friends."

"You're kind of like one of us, Spence. Don't worry, I bet they'd all go with you if you asked. Or-or I can ask, whatever." He nodded and I sighed silently. Another bullet dodged. Spencer went back to eating and I tried to coax Carly away from my shirt. She eventually did, but she wouldn't eat. Sadly, I couldn't eat either when I saw how Carly was. We both gave up after a while and went to watch television. She laid her head in my lap and clutched my knee and I pet her hair.

We sat there for a while without moving. The shows came on and finished over and over and I must have fallen asleep at some point. I had a weird dream where Carly and I were hanging off of the scaffold again. She was holding onto my ankles and I was just barely holding on to the metal bars. She was calling out my name over and over in this horrible, terrified, sobbing voice. I tried over and over to pull up to the scaffold but it wasn't working. I couldn't get there. I couldn't do it. And then, my fingers stopped grasping the scaffold.

When I woke up, I jumped. Carly looked around wild eyed as she tried to get out of my lap. I was breathing heavily and my head was pounding. I felt the sweat all over my body. I wiped my brow as Carly grabbed my cheeks.

"Sam! Sam!" She screamed at me in terror. I held her as I calmed down. She held on to me so tightly that I thought I was going to stop breathing. I told myself to look normal and eventually I think I did. I looked into my arms and saw tears running down Carly's red, terrified face.

"It's okay. It's okay Carls. It was just a bad dream." She was still holding my face. I took her hands in mine and brought them down. I moved her to sit up. She was still sobbing slightly and sniffed on and off.

"You were screaming."

"I was?" She nodded.

"I'm sorry." I hugged her to me.

"It's not your fault. It was a dream." She showed no signs of letting go. My shirt was starting to feel wet where her face was laying. I looked at the clock on the cable box. It was 4:30 exactly. I heard shuffling from the room behind us. After a thud, Spencer came out dressed in black pants and a black blazer.

"Sam? Do you think Freddie's home yet?" He spoke quietly.

"He should be. I can call him if you want."

"No, he's right next door. I got it." He left to go find Freddie. I hardly heard the door close. Carly had gripped my shirt again.

"What's up, Cupcake?"

"I should go." I was going to say something, but had no idea what.

"I can't though."

"I know. It's okay. It's really hard.. It really, really sucks."

"He shouldn't have to go alone."

"He wont be alone, he's gonna have Freddie. I can call Gibby too if you want."

"I don't want to think about this."

"I know."

"I hate this."

"You should."

"I'm sorry." She looked up at me with sparking eyes and I was captivated. I felt myself leaning in until I kissed her.

I pulled back immediately when I realized what I had done. I saw the small smile on her face quickly fade.

"Sam-"

"Oh... Oh no."

"Sam, really it's okay."

"Here I am telling you that it's not the right time and then I'm all over you." My brain was pounding against my skull. I grabbed my head.

"Sam that was hardly all over me. It's okay, really it is." She was rubbing my back now.

"Carly, are you gonna be okay? I mean, Spencer just left. You sure you don't want to go?" She looked down quickly. I kicked myself mentally.

"Yeah." She started to get up very slowly. I shuffled to face her and watch her start up the stairs.

"I'm sorry, Carls. I-I really... I'm just sorry."

"Don't worry about it." She mumbled.

"Where are you going?"

"Shower...bath...something." I barely heard her as she turned the corner and was out of my sight. I hit myself in the head.

"You idiot." I told myself out loud. I got up and I wanted to go follow her, but I ended up pacing between the kitchen and the front door. I stopped in front of the stairs every time. Around the fourth pass I heard a soft "Sam?" coming from upstairs. I stopped dead in my tracks and scaled the stairs two at a time. My heart was racing, but I stopped for just a second to catch my breath. I turned into the room to see Carly standing by the bathroom door in a towel.

"Carly?" I approached her cautiously. She stared into the room.

"I don't want to be alone." She sounded eerily calm. I walked to her just as cautiously.

"Carls." I hesitated just a second before I put my arms around her from the back.

"Can you...can you just come in with me? You can look the other way or whatever..." She was sincere. I don't think that she was spazzing out like the other times. I nodded and pushed her through the doorway. The tub was already full so I let her go and walked away from her to go sit on the toilet seat lid. I stared at my feet. The only thing that made any noise was the dripping of the faucet for a long while. I looked up to see Carly with her face in her hands.

Without a second thought I was at her side. I took her hands away from her face and kissed her fingers. I never took my eyes off of her face. At least I could be that decent. Eventually she looked at me and wiped the tears from her eyes with her wet arm. I giggled at her and used my own sleeve to lightly dab her face. She smiled at me through her squinted eyes and I smiled softly back. Slowly, I felt us both move and she was kissing me but I was kissing her too.

"You're never gonna be alone, Carly." I whispered to her as I stroked her hair. I never took my eyes off her face. I never wanted to.


	9. Chapter 9: Wake

**Right so, I think this is second to last chapter and I think I'm going to do a small epilogue. Just to get you ready to live without ;)**

**This took forever to write and get up and for that I apologize. But now you may enjoy! Love and kisses, and I don't own 'em.  
**

* * *

We had stayed in the bathroom for a while. Carly soaked and I sat with my back against the tub. We mumbled back and forth about silly memories of when we were younger. She mentioned just about everything that had happened to us since the day that we had met. She smiled the whole time and held my hands.

"Can I ask you something honestly, Sam?" There was a little fear in her voice. I was scared of the question.

"Yeah. Any time, Cupcake."

"All of this..." She stopped and shifted in the bath. I turned and saw her staring at my hands as she stroked them. "Is all of this going to go away? You know, when I'm not all needy...and psycho." Her face drooped even as she looked down. The answer was obvious to me, I hardly thought about it at all.

"Not unless I'm dead." Her face shot up with terror. I suppose I could have made a better choice of words... I pulled her body to mine and hugged her tight.

"Sorry." I murmured into her bare shoulder.

"It's okay." She spoke into my hair. She held tight for some time.

"You've been so good in all of this. I don't see this side of you too often. You're amazing."

"You're the only one whose ever going to get this." She kissed my lips quickly.

"We should probably talk about this when you're not naked." I turned back around. Her arms were still flopped over my shoulders.

"Why are you so scared of me like this if you're so into me? Or, at least I think you're into me."

"Carls, we went through this." I tried to sound compassionate.

"Do you not like this part? I thought I was the prude."

"You are."

"So then hold me, just like this." I hadn't noticed it, but she had gotten out of the water and moved to stand in front of me soaking wet and in the nude. Her left hand held her right elbow which hung awkwardly. She looked down, but to the side of me. I had to shake my head out of staring when I saw her. I offered my hand to her and she lent me hers as I got up. I put her hand to my chest, not in a sensual way, but against my chest bones.

"Feel that?" She looked at me sideways with a raised eyebrow.

"What am I feeling for?"

"The shaking hands, the superfast heartbeat, anything like that." I looked out of the top of my eyes with a grin as I saw her smile.

"I have loved you for a long time. I really have. And I can wait to have you like this until we can both fully and completely enjoy it. And I want you to be alright. I love you, Carls. I love you too much for this to not be perfect." She silently walked behind me. I didn't need to look back because I knew she understood . She kissed me quickly as she passed on my side and wrapped herself in her towel.

"I love you, Sam." I smiled and took her hand as we walked into her room. I hugged her quickly before I left her to go downstairs. I got a snack out of the fridge and sat at the kitchen computer to check the iCarly site. I realized that we had totally neglected the site and the show during this whole thing. I posted quickly that there wouldn't be a show tonight. I didn't go into any detail, but I tried to be really nice about it. I bet people got worried, actually. I'm never that nice.

Suddenly, I felt a set of arm over my shoulders. I smiled and held her hands.

"Sam?" I stroked her hands with my thumbs and hummed in response.

"I think I have to go to the funeral." She leaned her head on mine

"You don't have to do anything that you don't feel like doing."

"I feel like... I feel like I have to. Sam...can you maybe-I mean, could you possibly-" I kissed her quickly and hoped that she would calm down.

"Can you please take me to the wake? I need to see him. I need to... be with him one more time."

"You're completely sure? We can defiantly go, but I want to make sure you're gonna be okay." She didn't actually answer, she simply nodded and held me a little closer.

"Ok, Carls. Let's go, I guess." She backed away from me a bit and I got up. I lead her up by the hand that I held and she snaked her arm around mine. I walked us across to Freddie's apartment and knocked. Lucky for us, Mrs. Benson was home.

"Hello there girls." She spoke softly.

"Mrs. Benson, will you please drive us to the funeral home?" I put aside all of the past insanity and tried to be as nice and calm as I could be for Carly's sake.

"Well, Freddie already went with your brother Carly, but I suppose I can get you there. Do you know the address?" Carly quickly recapped what her Grandad had told her about the funeral home and we were in the car and on our way. Mrs. Benson insisted that we both sit in the back seat and wear her specially designed double seatbelts, but I wasn't complaining. Carly was content to be next to me and I was happy enough to hold her hand. It was better that we were sharing the back, even if we were practically wrapped up in straight jacket straps. There really wasn't any talking. Luckily, Mrs. Benson left us alone.

When we got to the funeral home, Carly was the one who thanked Mrs. Benson. She put a hand on her shoulder and told her that it was going to turn out alright and that she was surrounded by people that cared about her. With a slight smile, Carly thanked her again and closed the door. Mrs. Benson drove away, but we did not move. I held Carly's hand and she stared across the road.

"We can stay here, but let me know if you want to go in." I softly reassured. She took a deep breath and let it go slowly.

"I'm trying to be ready. I have to be strong when I get in there."

"You don't. You can break all you want. I'll be right there."

"They're all gonna see it though. I can't do that. I have to be strong for them."

"You don't owe them anything. You don't have to prove anything. If you end up crying, then that's fine. I can hold onto you. It doesn't matter if they think you're strong."

"These are army guys, Sam. They're hardcore."

"Yeah, and I bet most of them are crying a little. Don't be afraid of them, Carls. That's your dad. They don't matter." She snuggled up to my side. We didn't say anything, but her hand kept moving up and down my arm like she was trying to find a comfortable spot and couldn't.

"I guess...I should go in before they close up."

"I'm right here with you, Carls. Spencer loves you. Grandad loves you. Your dad loves you." She turned towards the building.

"I love you." I clutched her hand more firmly as I said it. We walked to the building and in. In the room, there were several dozen people scattered around, many in military uniforms. I scanned the room and found Freddie and Spencer. As we got close to them, Spencer saw us and said Carly's name softly, as if he was relieved. They hugged and I leaned on the wall with Freddie.

"How's it, Fredder?"

"Could be worse. Spencer's kind of alright. There have been so many people in and out. Apparently Mr. Shay was a popular guy." I hummed in response and kept one eye on Carly.

"How did you get her to come?"

"She made the decision on her own. I just held her hand."

"Good deal." Carly and Spencer came over to us. Carly stood next to me and curled her arm around mine again.

"Come with me." She said quietly. I nodded and we walked towards the box. I always thought that coffins were a little weird. They're all pretty and fancy just so they can get buried. Either way, stood in front of the closed coffin. I felt awkward, but I tried not to let on.

"He's in there." I nodded.

"He must look awful if they won't open the top."

"Try not to think about it. Imagine the pictures from the albums." She closed her eyes for a second and sighed.

"This is weird." She leaned onto me.

"A little, yeah."

"I want to leave." I felt her arm start to tremble against me. I turned us away and went towards Spencer and Freddie.

"We should stay for a little while now that we're here. We'll just stay back here with the guys."

"Okay." She still trembled.

We stood in the back for about another half hour before most people had left. She had remained strong and stone faced. Even when her Grandad and her father's military buddies talked to her, she spoke calmly and in short sentences. She trembled against me slightly the whole time.

We went home with Grandad and the boys and when we got back to the apartment, Freddie went home and Spencer went to his room. Grandad had gone to a hotel. Carly and I went up to her room, took off our shoes and laid right down. Her trembling increased quickly and soon she was sobbing full force against me. I settled in against her and held her close. I felt needed and I did my best to let her know that she had me.

"I love you, Carly. I love you so much."


End file.
